Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Pussiest Word in the Dictionary: Maybe

A few posts ago I complained about how technology is turning us all into ball-less pussies. Recently, I read an article which furthers my theory-how the word "maybe" in facebook evites allows to to skirt commitments.

I only skimmed the article, but immediately upon reading the headline, red flashed before my eyes.

I tried to think of a word I hate more than "maybe," and I can't. "No" when I want something, and anything that comes out of Snooki's mouth doesn't even compare. It is the pussiest word I've ever heard, because it's a cop out.

Whenever I hear the word "maybe" my detective skills automatically deduce that whatever it is, you either

1) don't want to participate and don't know how to say no
2) want to see if there is anything better going on
3) I am obviously not important enough, which is completely selfish and not true, but I am Jessica and I am the center of my world. Shut up, who isn't? Just kidding. But only half.

Anyway- no one ever says "Maybe, I don't really want to do this but I can't tell you no because I'm a big ole wimp and I fear hurting you're feelings less you are actually an insane person with a secret militia" or "Eh, it sounds alright but I'm going to see if there is something cooler going on. If not you're totally my man with the plan." People just don't do that, and honestly, I don't want to hear any of those things.

What I do want to hear is just "yes" or "no" because "maybe" is just a hope getter upper, and that is why people go crazy. "Maybes" drive people insane. That's why girls used to sit next to their phones all weekend. I think cell phones were actually created by women so that they didn't have to sit by the phone all weekend waiting for a guy to call, and can now sit with their friends with a drink and eventually drunk-text them.

So these people who go crazy are continually getting their hopes up because they are "maybed" their whole lives. "No" would have already led to suicide or (hopefully) led them to just try harder. "Yes" encourages them. People who "make it" in life never have stories about how people told them "maybe," they either over came all of the "no's" or had a trillion people telling them "yes!" "Maybes" never go anywhere, they just hang around and eventually go insane.

Please, do everyone a favor. Man up and say no. If you decide later there's nothing going on, then give a call. They'll probably feel more grateful then they otherwise would have because you've magically changed your mind and they'll walk on happy rainbow sunshine unicorn farts for the rest of the night.

That is all.

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