Saturday, January 29, 2011

People die because they dont poop themselves, not because they are fearless

Today I very nearly pooped myself.

Although this isn't about pooping myself. But first, some background:

I was 13,000 feet high on a mountain, feet strapped to a big wooden board and almost a complete vertical cliffside drop in front of me.

Actually, that was the second time I nearly pooped myself.

The first was walking along the snowy cliff on a one foot wide "path", mountain to my left and snowy cliff drop to the my right, snowboard in hand. It took me 15 minutes to get across the ridge, and every step I was stopping myself from pooping myself.

To spare you suspense, I never did poop myself, but almost pooping myself nearly killed me. And here is why:

I am super scared of heights. Correction, I am scared of the consequences of falling from them. Poop my pants, I'm going to start balling any second scared. When I tell my friends this they are always surprised because they can't tell. I'm a tough ole' bird, but I assure them that while my face is stoic, I am in a deadlocked battle with my bowels.

Yet I troop forward. I'm not fearless at all. I'm full of fear. I don't think anybody is actually fearless. We're all full of pants pooping fear. Nobody dies from being fearless, they die from doing things that cause them to almost poop their pants, stopping themselves from pooping, and trooping forward.

If they had actually pooped their pants, they probably wouldn't have done the task, they'd need a costume change- or, "brief" change I guess.

Pooping your pants would actually save you.

So when I die from some stupid, "death defying" activity (that obviously didn't defy correctly if I'm dead) I want you to tell everyone at my funeral that it wasn't out of lack of fear that I died, it was that I won the battle with my bowels- because if I had actually pooped my pants, I probably wouldn't have done whatever it was because I would have left to go change my underwear instead.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My Ex- "Boy- Thing" is my Asian Mom. Thank you.

In the book I'm currently reading the author discusses a song by Billy Joel. The song, "Just The Way You Are," is about Billy's wife. He says "Don't go a changing" just to basically impress him or what not.

This is interesting to me because I have changed myself in some way for every relationship I've been in, and I believe most people in some fashion or another do the same.

Change can be both negative and positive, and both occur. People become chameleons in relationships. Everybody says you "change" around your significant other and this varies in degree.

My last "relationship" with whom we'll call "Mountain Man," as my friends back home nick named him, I certainly did both.

Negatively, I changed my sexual behavior. I had my reasons, and a lot had to do with thinking that was what Mountain Man wanted. I have no idea if that is how he liked his women, but either way I was always unsure, and thus uncomfortable, and that sucked.

Positively, I picked up one of his interests. This is probably the most common "change" that occurs, in my opinion. In the beginning we all want the other person to think that we are interesting, or want to hang out with us, and we might do that by pretending to like one of their hobbies.

So, two weeks into hanging out Mountain Man asked me to see a snowboarding/skiing documentary flick. I gladly accepted even though I knew and cared little about either because I was just excited to be invited along. And eat sandwiches. Yum.

To help matters, I actually had a snowboard. I'd used it twice prior, over a period of a number of years, fallen on my ass a ton and hated it. I brought it with me to Colorado because I still thought the sport was cool, despite the fact that I hate all things snowy, cold, and involve things like falling on my ass over and over.

He loves snowboarding, so I went out on my own and tried to learn how to use the damn thing. The first two times out, I fell on my ass, on my head- top, back, face- you name it I fell on it. It sucked and I probably would have stopped there if I hadn't felt the need to impress.

Two more tries later, I was actually getting good at the thing, and began liking it. I didn't even mind the cold or the snow. Dating him was like having an Asian Mother. In an article written by an asian mom, about asian moms, she said kids hate doing stuff (like playing the violin) in the beginning because they suck at it. It's when you get good that it's enjoyable. You just have to push them to that point, and then hopefully they stop hating you.

In that respect Mountain Man is totally my Asian Mom, because now I'm soaring down black diamonds on the snowboard I've had for 7 years but didn't start using until last November, and loving it to the point where I'm getting dragged off the mountain.

To get to my point, I don't totally agree with the author on how great it was the Billy Joel didn't want his wife to change on his account, because sometimes you need that little boost to find something kick ass. Thank you Ex Boy Thing Asian Mom.

The Pussiest Word in the Dictionary: Maybe

A few posts ago I complained about how technology is turning us all into ball-less pussies. Recently, I read an article which furthers my theory-how the word "maybe" in facebook evites allows to to skirt commitments.

I only skimmed the article, but immediately upon reading the headline, red flashed before my eyes.

I tried to think of a word I hate more than "maybe," and I can't. "No" when I want something, and anything that comes out of Snooki's mouth doesn't even compare. It is the pussiest word I've ever heard, because it's a cop out.

Whenever I hear the word "maybe" my detective skills automatically deduce that whatever it is, you either

1) don't want to participate and don't know how to say no
2) want to see if there is anything better going on
3) I am obviously not important enough, which is completely selfish and not true, but I am Jessica and I am the center of my world. Shut up, who isn't? Just kidding. But only half.

Anyway- no one ever says "Maybe, I don't really want to do this but I can't tell you no because I'm a big ole wimp and I fear hurting you're feelings less you are actually an insane person with a secret militia" or "Eh, it sounds alright but I'm going to see if there is something cooler going on. If not you're totally my man with the plan." People just don't do that, and honestly, I don't want to hear any of those things.

What I do want to hear is just "yes" or "no" because "maybe" is just a hope getter upper, and that is why people go crazy. "Maybes" drive people insane. That's why girls used to sit next to their phones all weekend. I think cell phones were actually created by women so that they didn't have to sit by the phone all weekend waiting for a guy to call, and can now sit with their friends with a drink and eventually drunk-text them.

So these people who go crazy are continually getting their hopes up because they are "maybed" their whole lives. "No" would have already led to suicide or (hopefully) led them to just try harder. "Yes" encourages them. People who "make it" in life never have stories about how people told them "maybe," they either over came all of the "no's" or had a trillion people telling them "yes!" "Maybes" never go anywhere, they just hang around and eventually go insane.

Please, do everyone a favor. Man up and say no. If you decide later there's nothing going on, then give a call. They'll probably feel more grateful then they otherwise would have because you've magically changed your mind and they'll walk on happy rainbow sunshine unicorn farts for the rest of the night.

That is all.

Saturday, January 22, 2011


My apartment is filthy.

My apartment is at its worst during two situations.

1- When I am never there.

This is because I'm not there to live in my own filth, I just return to pass out, shower, and leave once again. It exists solely as a place to put my stuff.

2- When I am always there.

During my bout of unemployment, I don't leave the house much other than to run, snowboard, or get drunk, and on the occassion take care of needs like groceries. For whatever reason, I am here all day, a mess grows around me, and I cannot make myself clean anything up.

Here comes the problem. During this unemployment period, I need to balance my time at home and at "away" if only to keep my apartment from becoming a hole of filth and my roommate for murdering me.

I think I need a hobby.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Binary Women Hotness Rating Theorem

We're no stranger to rating people's attractiveness on a scale of 1-10. I propose that this rating system is flawed.

First, men and women rate people differently. Lets start with men.

When sober, men rate women 1-10. I'm not a guy, so I don't really know how this works for them. Where it differs from women is when alcohol is involved. Then it switches to the binary system: 0-1. 0 for

0- Would not "do"
1- Would "do"

Women, on the other hand, aren't so black and white, we don't have a binary system. We have a 0-3 system.

0- Would not "do"
1- Might "do," if a lot of drinks are involved
2- Will probably do if instigated by the other person
3- Will rape you

I'm sure this all depends on the type of person you are, but at some point everything needs to be generalized. Some people might get upset with number 3 of the women's section, however you tell me that if your "Brad Pit" was in front of you that you wouldn't kidnap him, you're absolutely lying.

Katy Perry and the end of the world

Today I'm convinced Ke$ha will be the end to society.

Ok, not Ke$ha by herself, but all pop artists in general. I believe they are killing the vernacular and braincells of children everywhere.

I think I'm becoming paranoid in my jobless state, and I've also been reading too much of Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs." But regardless of that, something evil is going on here.

I recently came across a video I took of my 2 year old cousin singing Katy Perry's "California Gurls." Yes, you have that correct, she knows all the words, from "we'll melt your popsicle" to every note of the "ohhhohhhohhh's"

In the video, I'm encouraging her along, clearly unaware of the perils that are awaiting her.

Here's my point- my cousin has an older sibling, who when she was 3 told me when I told her she couldn't have lemonade "But Cousin Jessie, I'm simply parched!" This won her all the lemonade and ice cream she could ask for. At the age of 3, she was chatty with a large vocabulary.

This isn't to say that her younger sister is stupid, quite the contrary- she's just as chatty and "smart as a whip." The difference between the sisters is, the older one grew up on her brother's love for the Beatles and would ask me questions like "why isn't our president nice" while the younger asks me "Can I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack?"

Entertaining, yes, but also the end of the world as we know it? Probably.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Go Bears.

Balls. Everyone needs more balls.

People just don't have balls, and this is really getting to me.

Society itself is seeming really ball-less lately. We wonder if we can break up/ask someone out over text, or if this is the sort of thing that must be done face to face, we connect over things like IM, fb and twitter. It's turning us all into a bunch of ball-less turds.

Case In Point:

A friend of mine has gone on several dates with a girl he likes. He's paid for dinner and drinks 2-3 times. Today he relayed to me that he doesn't know how to kiss her for the first time without the both of them being drunk. The girl obviously has this problem too, neither of them make a move. They continue to hang out and both of them complain to their friends wondering what to do.

People! In life, at some point you just gotta grab your nuts (metaphorical if you're a lady), squeeze, yell I HAVE BALLS, and pucker up.

That is all.

Guys Named Rob+ Coolness= Chill Rob G

I think I'm finally beginning to understand. Now, do I pick 2 things and go from there, or is this a pre-determined thing? I'm going to go with "Vegetable" and "Doggs" and "Macks" and be "Cabbage DoggyMack" I better throw "white" in there as well...


I'd like to take a second to rant about how much it sucks to job search.


There, that should do it.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Pretty Pretty Princess Feet

I'm about to go for a 16 mile run. I haven't gone yet and my feet are already a mess, so I thought I'd pretty them up with some little mermaid, belle, and snow white.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Monserrat, Spain

I went backpacking in europe this march, slowly been getting the pictures up.

I took this picture before I started climbing around the mountains of there. It's one of my faves. Makes me want to sell all my stuff (which most likely amounts to $500) and go backpacking again.

Here's another one, taken about an hour from our summit

If you'd like to check out more, here's the link (click)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Urgo: The College Daze, Part 1

I found an old blog of mine. Excerpt

First, the story of myself in auge, told through the eyes of tom since he does it so well, and i lakk every time i read it. An Excerpt from the Journal of Sir Thomas Of Machine.

"Today, though, in Lit Crit, something stupendous happened. Well, perhaps it was just stupid.

After sitting and watching Ague conference with people who weren't me, I decided that I would leave Lit Crit, get some lunch, and return to talk to him later. Ague had not told us that we could leave, though, so I was a little nervous about leaving class. I told Urgo and Drez of my plans, though, and they decided that they, too, wished to leave.

Urgo's involvement in this plan proved from the beginning to be a problem.

First, she would not leave because she was angry that an online quiz told her that she is gay. She wished to take the test over, but rather than wait for her to do so, I ripped my computer from her Italian grip. She retreated, and I shoved my computer in my bag where she could not get it.

So, we were all finally prepared to sneak out of class. I decided that Urgo should be the one to tell him that we would be back later, but she refused. I stood for a moment, hesitating, wondering if I should really leave. The next thing I knew, Urgo was on the floor.

No, Urgo did not collapse of heart failure from eating too much spumoni. Nor was she, surprisingly, drunk. No, neither of those. Urgo had decided to crawl out of the room.

[ She walked to the row of desks next to the door and chucked her back pack, lap top and all out the door. She then knelt down behind the people sitting for a moment, and then was on her belly in army crawl position, all while Ague rattled on in the front of the classroom oblivious]

Drez and I watched in amazement as Urgo slithered out of the room like the snake from the story we read last semester. [ she then stood outside the door and proceded to wave and grin at everybody stuck inside, then bounded to the starirwell] And then, we, too, left."