Friday, February 4, 2011

Soccer: The hate/love relationship, and why it should never be popular in the U.S.

The reason why I hate soccer is why most people (usually red-neck americans, anybody who loves politics (liberals and conservatives alike) and my college friend Niel's crazy Grandmother) hate anything.

I don't understand it.

However, I think my reasons for not understanding soccer are pretty legitimate.

For one, it's kind of like basketball- there's lots of running back and forth, there's netting, and some degree of pushing someone else down and punishment. I think my greatest problem with soccer is that I classify it has a semi-wimpy sport (I don't count things like golf or bowling as sports, so this places it very low on my list), and the only thing that saves it from ultimate wimpyness is that you can't possibly be a fat person and excel at this. If you aren't in shape, you'll only make it to the half way line and be pooped. There is just too much running back and forth.

As a marathoner and triathlete, I can't really discount anything that has to do with running as completely stupid, because I spend a lot of my time running in circles, and seeing who can get around the circle the quickest.

Also, any sport where it is more dangerous to be a fan causes me to raise an eyebrow. When I lived in Germany, I attended a few games. Like everyone else, I've heard of the crazy british "soccer hooligans" and just sort of assumed this was an exaggeration. Silly, silly me. Not only are british people crazy, but this extends to everywhere people actually care about soccer. My first game in Germany my jacket was pulle open and I was scrupulously searched for darts because apparently the home team had a habit of throwing REAL darts at the opposing teams fans- who weren't allowed to leave until 20 minutes after the completion of the game to avoid things like being killed.

When I attended these games, I couldn't help but notice the what seemed thousands of times a guy fell down and just laid there. I can't help but compare this to my beloved sport of Football, where a guy can get hit simultaneously by 5 different guys, lay under a pile of 10 people, and do it again 40 seconds later. I realize there is padding, but at some point that has just got to hurt. Whats more to this is, I was told a lot of it has to do with acting, (ACTING!!!!!), because they are hoping for a foul to be called. Can you imagine if a guy in football laid down and pretended to cry out in agony to get a flag thrown??! The fans would beat him over to Europe where he'd have to learn to become a soccer player. It'd be suicide.

Last year, one of the Chicago Cubs (Colvin) had his lung pierced by a rogue broken bat piece that flew straight into his chest and the guy PULLED IT OUT and continued running towards home. Sure, they pulled him for the rest of the season, but he didn't immediately lay down and start crying.

So why someone would want to sit there for hours and hours watching a bunch of wimps run back and forth, score only 1 goal, and act for 3 hours is beyond me.

I'd like to add that at these soccer games, the most popular food served was from a guy walking around with various types of breads in a large basket. I responded to the atrocity by drinking more beer and accosting the man later, forcing him to take many photos with me.

On to positive things. Why I love soccer- I love soccer boys. But this is also the reason why soccer can't become a phenomenon in the United States. I hate real soccer player boys. They are just douche bags. I do, however, have an obsession with guys who played soccer in high school and college. For whatever reason, my ears perk up. I spent most of college drooling over the boys on our team and, at one point, dating the goalie. I was especially impressed by this because he was rated the number 1 goalie in the league, or something. I didn't really like him all that much, but I was fascinated by his soccerness.

Even recently, Ex-Boy-Thing (See post- My ex-boy-thing is my Asian Mom) claimed he used to play soccer. I have no idea how true this is, but it didn't matter. Once I heard this, his fate was sealed and he was going to date me for at least a little while, whether he wanted to or not.

I don't understand this attraction, but it's one I've chosen not to fight.

If soccer were to become bigger in the states, all these wonderful soccer playing guys who quit after high school or college because soccer isn't a real american sport and they actually want to make money and have some sort of a career might actually make a go for it. Then I'm stuck with a bunch of guys I can't date because now they are 1) are actually famous or 2) have become a soccer playing douche bag.

I'd like to go on about this, but it's time for me to do Yoga. My type of Yoga is much cooler than regular yoga, because it is called Yoga For Warriors, and destroys your body. I try to be competitive in regular yoga, which doesn't work- but it's impossible to be competitive in Yoga For Warriors, because all you are trying to do is survive.

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