Monday, February 21, 2011

Damn you "urgo gene"

If you don't know me that well, let me introduce you to the wild and wonderful world of The Urgo Gene. All Blood Urgos (so you are safe is you married into the family- but not your children, they're fucked. Adopt.) Having The Urgo Gene ensures you a life of emergency room visits and fearing not having health insurance.

I myself have broken all my fingers and toes (some a few times), fractured my foot, had two high grade stress fractures in the same bone at the same time (the doctor said that's a new one for him, go me), broke my collar bone climbing up a slide when I was 3, banged my elbow so hard i had to have massive amounts of blood pocketed inside sucked out, broke my wrist in the same spot 6 weeks after getting the cast off the first time, and in one incident tore off half the right side of my face, cracked my head open in two spots, received "stigmata like" wounds on both wrists, tore off my right shoulder and left knee. Thats at least what I can remember. I've been to the emergency room in 3 different countries, and I can't tell you how many states or ERs in general.

This isn't just me. My father, uncle, their cousins, my cousins, etc, all have the similar lists of maladies, some of them much worse, and their ER visits also extend to various countries across the globe.

After injuring yourself so many times, you get to know when its time for the ER or when you can just tough it out and be a man. Broken fingers and toes for instance, constitute as toughing it out. This past Christmas a friend of mind called me and asked where to go if one broke a finger and had no insurance. I told her "My house, I'll put that sucker back into place and wrap it up." She said "no thanks, my brother will find a clinic." Pussies.

Anyway, "toughing it out" is more a less another term for "sheer stupidity." For instance, 3 years ago my pinky toe was oddly swollen and discolored for some time. I would de-puss it every few days. It grew larger and grosser. One particularly gross day, I was digging around and pulled out a big piece of glass from inside it. My toe at this point was a sort of greenish color. I washed it in pure alcohol, bandaged it, and considered it a victory I found the glass.

Same thing when I almost cut off me finger while chopping carrots with a dull knife earlier last year. While the knife was too effing dull to cut the carrots, it was sharp enough to cut my finger to the bone. While I lost blood and stared into space my boyfriend of the time begged me to go to the hospital. Instead I wrapped another paper towel around the wound (I had no bandaids) and passed out.

This brings me to this very moment, as I type this with my arm in a makeshift sling made out of two bandanas. I get cocky snowboarding this weekend and took a jump not meant for me yet and had one of those crashes that stopped all activity on the mountain. As I lay there trying not to throw up all I could think about was how my mentor would think I was a pussy if I didn't show up at the bottom to meet him, so get your ass up girl. After 3 days of being unable to raise my arm above my head and sleeping on the couch so I can't move and wedging my arm inbetween me and the couch to keep it immobile while I slept, I decided to make the sling to keep it immobilized all the time.

I probably should go to the hospital, but I hear my father's voice in my head saying "well, what are they going to do, take some IBprofein and stay still, you'll be fine" and then he'd launch into a story about a similar moment in his life when he was wrestling in high school or throwing rocks off the roof at his Nanna and managed to maim himself. And, to be honest, I can't help hurting myself. It's in the genetics.

After thinking about this, and a long conversation about birth on the way to the mountains today, I decided its best I not have children. I can't possibly pass this retarded gene on, AND stupidity at the same time. It's just too much for any one child to bear. Instead I'll just adopt some poor bastard and he'll receive excellent lessons in survival simply by being my child, and be the next Survivor Man (Not man VS wild, he's a wimp with a camera crew).

No comments: